Much much

It was about 4:55 pm on a cool February evening. I must've been about 15 or 16. 

We were standing outside our tuition class, waiting for the ongoing class to end so ours could begin at 5 pm. 

My friend - I don't remember who it was - and I were talking. Let's call him Mu. 

I thought this would be a good moment to tell Mu that I found maths really hard, because it required way too much focus. That my mind had been finding it difficult to concentrate on studies ever since this big incident at home. Something I had buried deep down inside me and decided never to tell anyone. 

Being vulnerable came to me very naturally. To my mind, it was the easiest way to make a genuine connection. It had been my fallback since childhood. Not everyone thought this way. 

“You know, ever since that day, I've found it so hard to concentrate,” I said. 

Mu nodded, listening intently. 

“And it's so great to be able to tell you this. I don’t really talk about it to anyone,” I went on. 

Mu kept on nodding. 

It felt good. 

Other boys found connection in making crude jokes or coming off hyper alpha. 

I found connection in vulnerability. 

A third friend walked up. Mu and I said hi to him. He said hi back to us. Mu took him by the arm. 

“अच्छा हुआ तू आ गया यार। इसका मच मच बंद ही नही हो रहा था,” he said, as they walked away. The third friend laughed. 

‘Much Much’ has stayed with me ever since. 

Much much = vulnerability. 

Much much = finding connections through conversations. 

Much much = friendship, mentorship, comfort, safety, love. 

And I will keep doing मच मच no matter how much anyone laughs at me. It's the only way I know to make a genuine connection with someone.